Cryptos Declared a Global Pandemic by the World Health Organization

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The World Health Organization has officially declared cryptocurrencies, tokens and cryptoassets a global pandemic during a press conference earlier today at the United Nations.

“After a thorough review and in light of the speed with which cryptos are spreading, we have found it necessary to declare a global, worldwide, pandemic,” Zara Peterston, director at the World Health Organization (WHO), said.

The World health Organization said they have found signs of the novel influenza as remotely as the Himalayas.

“This is incredibly widespread and has fully taken us off-guard,” Peterston said. “We, therefore, had no time to go through the usual process of classifications and found it necessary to declare it a pandemic straight away.”

The most affected areas are San Fransico, Zug, London, New York, Tokyo and all other major centers, with cryptos showing classic signs of a pandemic, WHO said.

“Those affected tend to be distracted, lacking much focus, unable to concentrate, with some experiencing high fever, especially during certain intense emotional moments,” Peterston stated.

Challenged on whether such classification was necessary, Peterston said they had a duty to protect well-being and in light of the obvious signs of a pandemic they had no choice.

“The Securities and Exchanges commission has classified cryptos as a security,” said Larry Britos of Cryptocenter. “FinCen classifies them as a currency, CFTC says they are actually a commodity. IRS says they are whatever allows them to tax it as much as possible. Now WHO is saying they’re a pandemic!”

“There is no consensus on the classification of cryptos,” Thomas Wheembly, a professor at Cambridge’s center for cryptocurrencies, said. “It’s still so new it is not quite clear just what exactly it is,” he explained before adding:

“We have heard some say they’re securities, some a currency, some a commodity, but more widely economists say they’re just a financial system of sorts, politicians say they look like a movement, sociologists see it as a social phenomena, theologists think it is a religion or a cult, philosophers point out cryptos are an existential question.

We haven’t yet heard biologists argue it is an animal of sorts, but some have said cryptos show sign of being a neural network, with nodes acting as synapses, creating a global living and breathing thing.”

“Look, it’s not complicated, cryptos are just code,” said Jasons Cody, ethereum developer. “You just type if/then rules and you make it do things. It’s not a religion or… it’s just code,” he insisted.

“Code is a big part of cryptos,” Julia Hurst, economics professor at New York University, said before adding “but they’re nothing more than economics.

You’re moving money, or commodities, or securities, or whatever it is, you have a stock market of sorts in exchanges, people are buying, selling, they obviously show classic signs of a financial system.”

“Cryptos have almost nothing to do with tech really,” said Kay Clayter, a director at the SEC. “People shouldn’t be confused by all these buzzwords and need to instead look at substance. And when you do that, you see they’re just a security.”

“We don’t agree they’re just securities,” Lord Bickly, a politics expert, said. “Cryptos show classic signs of political parties, or movements, in this case libertarian but some say communistic or nazism, it depends.

There is no doubt, however, that they are primarely part of what seems to be a people’s peacful revolt starting with Trump, Brexit, and so on.”

“We of course agree there are some tech aspects, some financial aspects, and other aspects, but to us cryptos show classic signs of a religion, or at least a cult,” Reverend John Smith said.

“Cryptonians tend to have their own rituals, and they go to mass, or as they call them, meet-ups. They talk of this Satoshi Vision, and they worship a mythical figure called Satoshi Nakamoto.

They even have their own special religious festivals, including one they call Pizza Day when they feast to celebrate the coming summer. And they are very organized, with crypto missionaries spoted in remote regions.”

“To classify cryptos is complex but they appear to us nothing less than an alien form of life,” Dr. Ken Harding, a biology lecturer at Oxford, said. “We are still intensely studying it, but cryptos have a complex network of cells that appear to give it a very unique life form.”

“A deconstruction of cryptocurrencies shows they’re primarily an existential question,” Talos Nichulas, distinguished philosopher, told Trustnodes. “There appears to be a certain dilectic aspect that might reveal just why we are here,” he said.

We found individuals at Times Square to be just as diverse in their views of cryptos. A fisherman told us:

“Cryptos are just fish, you throw some bait, or as they call them there dollars, and you get some fish or whatever they call them bitcoin, eth, I don’t know.”

An art students argued that to her cryptos are just art. Anyone can create their own cryptos and express themselves. “Some of it is breathtakingly beautiful, some not so good,” she said.

“Of course all of these people are going to claim cryptos are whatever their profession is,” Jake Lukas, who describes himself as a long-time bitcoiner, says, before adding:

“That’s how they make money. Take SEC, they get $50,000 for every securities registration. That’s a lot of money. So of course they’re going to say they’re securities.”

“What are cryptos then,” we asked him. In reply Lukas told us they had something to do with ancient shells used as money, and political theories like ancap, there was something about Trump, SEC, China, and far too much else to mention.

“It’s all of these things,” he concluded. “Cryptos are not just one thing, it’s everything,” he said.

“When something new comes along people are keen to label it and put it in a box,” Mary Flickson, from ICOs Evaluation and Diligence (ICOED), said. “But cryptos fit many boxes, so everyone is trying to claim their cut.”

What’s about cryptos specifically, we asked, that makes them difficult to pinpoint as one thing. No one argued TVs are a religion, we said, or that cars are somehow a pandemic.

“Yes, the thing with cryptos is that they’re kind of a currency, but they’re not really there yet. So people are trying to see just what they are right now at this transitory stage, but it’s difficult to pinpoint.

Thing is there are some cryptos that are kind of like money, but then all the sudden they become just a store of value, a commodity, then they kind of become like money again, it’s confusing for some, especially regulators.

And to be honest it’s all a bit of a mess, which is what we are trying to address here at ICOED, but I’m not surprised at all WHO has declared it a pandemic. Fact is no one knows just what this thing is, or where it’s going, or why it’s here.”

“It’s not a mystery, they’re just money that sometime are not money, and a store of value that sometime is not a store of value. I mean, as humans we deal with uncertainty all the time,” Julia Hurst from NYU said.

“Well, I am a rocket scientist but this is harder than rocket science,” Philip Stern, physicist at CERN, said. “Far above my paygrade I’m afraid,” he concluded.

“Early cryptonians used to ask this question a lot” James Sutton, a history professor at Harvard who also calls himself a crypto historian, says before adding:

“They’d have endless discussions about just what are cryptos, and at one point it devolved into a civil war, but eventually they figured out no one has a clue, so they stoped asking. Now they just say cryptos are cryptos, that’s it.”

“Obviously cryptos are cryptos,” Jasons Cody, the ethereum developer, says. “What’s the mystery? I really don’t get it. Cryptos are just cryptos,” he insists.

“All these regulators, all these institutions, even the mainstream media, they’ve lost it,” he argued before further adding:

“How on earth are cryptos a pandemic? What next, I mean, there’s not one organization or regulator that hasn’t classified cryptos as whatever they regulate, when they’re none of those things, they’re just cryptos.

Cryptos are a new thing that has never existed before, and although they share many aspects with other things, cryptos are fully unique and different from all else.

So it is understandable there is some confusion, especially because cryptos are still in development, but the best way to avoid any confusion is to just see them as a class, or as a thing of their own.”

When we asked again the experts whether it is perhaps best to just see cryptos as cryptos, their reply was unanimous.

They said that there is no way cryptos are not a security, a commodity, a currency, a religion, a living thing, a political party, a fish, a pandemic…

An April Fool’s.

 

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This is fucking retarded.