Bitcoin’s cryptography is impossible to break, except with a $5 wrench which no crypto can withstand.
Except the simplest of crypto, the one that goes back to its root definition: concealed.
The best way to conceal one billion dollars worth of bitcoin is to tell no one that you have $1 billion bitcoin.
If they know you do, then they can ask nicely for it. But if it is well hidden, chances increase they don’t know or new ones can’t find out, and if they do, then you might more easily persuade them you don’t have them anymore.
To hide it, you can dig the ground and put a bird fountain on top to mark the spot
– – – – – alllo buttcoiners!. You could chop the key and send it to many shoes. You could become an expert in creating elaborate puzzles at the same time as gaining some talent for painting, like the pictured image which contained $50,000 bitcoin, or you could download a software.
OpenStego is an open source stenography software that lets you insert text into an image with just a few clicks, as well as retrieving the text with again just a few clicks.
As a downloadable package, you could install it in a brand new computer which has never been connected to the internet and so create the image.
The image now has your seed phase. On the surface it looks like just an image, but underneath it can be worth a billion dollars and not just because the art market can at time be irrational.
So then let’s be realistic, and before we do a disclaimer. We are not security experts and frankly we have no clue what we’re talking about. This is all purely for entertainment. You seriously should not rely on a word said within this article, and we do actually mean that.
Let us suppose you bought 1,000 bitcoin from surveilled Coinbase. You withdraw this to address A. You don’t tell anyone, but plenty of people now know you have nearly $8 million worth of bitcoin. That includes Coinbase employees, random people in all sorts of bureaucratic halls, all the people running the spyware on their computers, and potentially whoever might hack them unnoticeably or noticeably.
So you seed address A, stego it with image A that says fer realz bro its defo here, and now depends how elaborate you want to be, but you can send it to say ten addresses or just send it all to Huobi first, or a dex whatever, then withdraw it to address B.
This address B is now the cold wallet. We stego it. We print the very handsome photo of yourself, or maybe nature whatever, we blutack it on the wall like normies, maybe gift some copies of it to mum or whatever, and now we have a cold wallet which no one has a clue is actually a cold wallet.
That’s hiding in plain sight. Is it secure? Well, not for us to say, all that is your business, but let us suppose the wench now comes. You say you sold it all ages ago. He don’t belieb obv. Whaaaaat, I CAN PROVE IT.
So you do all the cool stuff with decoding stego and all that. HURRY UP MAAN WTF. Wait, I, what, this, I, waht. JUST HURRY UP.
In a realistic scenario, at any second the police could walk in, or in a poor country, someone could walk in and make things very complicated for the wench guy.
So buying time is useful in itself, but here you’re not really buying time, you actually want to get to that damn seed because it’s obviously image A.
The bitcoin in it were moved when the cold wallet was set-up, so, if you know they know you for definite have the coins, then you can go through the whole
James Bond process and give them the seed and hope they don’t check it.
If you think they’re not very sure then you can pick and choose how to fool them. Claim bitcoin was some old thing you played and here proof of address A which you still remember how to access because you used to check now and then. Or claim sure, here’s the seed, but elaborate process cus high tech stuff dumwank, so let me go through all this supercool stuff. And if they check then act totally shocked.
What? Whatchummenan. Of course the bitco there what. Let me check. Crazy! I NEVER FUKIN CHECKED IT. FUCK. Was I hakd… jesus.
Well, we did say this article is for entertainment. You didn’t belieb? Here’s another way of hiding in plain sight:
Fools are fools those that try fool
for the mind can fool you fool
up the busses or the roads
whos to know this foolish thought.
We insta created that so we’re not going to bother with the rest, but the point is fools, mind, busses, know, is the seed. It’s meant to be 12 words, so a bit of a longer poem, but illustration made.
Same as above with the image, but here with the poem or book. Imagine this other one:
My bitcoin!!>!>!>??? But it, it… they in cold storage, you know what cold storage is?
YAH I KNOW COLD STORAGE U PUSSY FAG GO FUKIN GET EM.
Alright, but, we have to… they not in here we have to… WHAT. They’re in a I HAVE TO FIND THE BOOK.
What. Book, they in a book. WHAAAT, man u fukin playin wif me. No that’s erm like u know reddit, that’s, I just what they said.
So they go downstairs or wherever the book library is and we going here through books after neighbors heard shouting and may have well called the police, and this guy now needs a pen and paper to write down or highlight the third word or fifth word after every 7 pages or 45 pages and maybe you even strike a conversation in the meantime: sorry man, it’s just, but you look way smart, I can teach you all this, then you can actually enjoy stuff you know without…
Burglary is of course one of the most serious crimes. In the United Kingdom one has the right to kill a robber that enters their own home because the crime is so egregious that the potential punishment has, by the people, been set to the utmost.
So what else could be in those books beyond the seed phase, we won’t speculate, but even without going ninja, the cost is increased considerably from: hand over your Ledger.
The beauty of what is said above is that although everyone can read it, a criminal wouldn’t have much defense to it because: why on earth wouldn’t someone sego it or book it. Especially since the criminal has targeted the person in question, the chances are he or she does have an elaborate process either like one above or something that is as much or more elaborate.
Leaving only kidnapping, but the stakes there are even higher because considerable time is added to the matter in that one has to be informed of the fact to begin with, who may inform the police even if they have been asked not to by telling them they have been asked not to, by getting the media to zoom in after feeding them a true or false story about someone seeing something and so informing everyone, and thus so having the attention of an entire nation on the men who’d rather walk in darkness as in light, they melt. Willing hores and drugs far easier business no?
Making the bitcoin robbery stories now melt to mere theft of fiat from ATMs.
This is probably by low level dumheads, kids really, who either don’t know the bitcoin is not in the ATM itself, or who think bitcoin ATMs are somehow special and have not yet learned why ordinary ATMs are usually not robbed, with the difference between a bitcoin ATM or an ordinary one being pretty much none.
But where serious aspects are concerned, you either hack digitally if you are smart, or stay the fuck away from putting yourself in a position where the wench is useless because the whole damn thing is so complicated that you’ll end up with nothing, or in prison, or worse.
And to end on a bit of a lighter note, the moral of the story is that bitcoin is cool, and since bitcoin is cool you too might want to try and be a bit cool to the point you impress even criminals who by the end of it might want to suck your dick, rather than wench.
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