A war in Ukraine will not be fought primarily on the streets, but in the digital realm, where a global army now has mobilized with memes and high tech to make what would be most awful, also a hilarious show, at least for now.
Sir, our war plans are on Reddit, should we change them? What, which sub???
Only the day after, Russia’s president Vladimir Putin joked: what, have they also published the time of invasion?
As it happened, they had. The Daily Mirror claimed it would begin at 3AM Kyiv time with “missiles and tanks.”
Livestreams beamed across major cities in Ukraine with 7,000 at anypoint watching Kyiv. As well as Kharkiv and other cities, flight radar, now train radar, soon enough real time car traffic, maybe the energy grid and who knows if it all got real, perhaps even real time phone signals.
Not to miss the opportunity, some went to the livestream to play the anthem. Someone flew a drone. Presumably it says Slava Glory Ukraini to Ukraine, but we assume it says buy bitcoin.
What’s that plane? O look at that one flying in Moscow. Breaking: plane is flying. Is that a drone?
It’s not clear whether the internet is the government now. Troops are being withdrawn, no no they being reinforced. Look trains leaving. Look they building a bridge.
For real man we not gone invade – Putin. Nah nah you invading and we gone ‘massive consequences’ you – Biden. Take your troops off – Boris. Our cuntreh while Nato foreign troops – some no name Russian official. What, even Belarus and Kazakhstan, or Georgia, Moldova, Syria, Armenia, Libya, Mali – no one for some reason because it then draws false equivalence in making Nato sound like an occupation force as Russia clearly is in all these countries, rather than a consensual defense alliance you can join or leave as you please.
Which way will it go people of the world? ‘I know nuffin man, I’m here for the jokes’ – fake bystander.
Livestream viewership is expected to rise ‘like s**tcoins’ 10x to 10,000x if missiles fly – not a real headline.
Sources say Putin demanding no further expansion of the Livestream to their borders. They even have one Russian city live all day, one source said. What’s next: livestreams of troops exercising, common we had verbal agreement we didn’t envisage this livestreaming so close to Moscow?
There are real concerns, this source says, soldiers selfies might one day be splashed on the frontpage of reddit, there might be nudes!
The horror. That might be the least detail in anyone’s mind if anything goes in as every little thing will be broadcast live beginning with the pre-show on our bitcoin that should react first to any orders, itself giving orders in turn to the internet.
Which is why probably nothing will happen. Putin can take on Ukraine, though they’re standing their ground so not without much trouble, and maybe can even take on Biden, but he can’t take on the internet.
Already early signs of obsession are being detected among a new species called ‘atists’ who think they’re in a South Park episode and are in the process of transforming from ordinary qubicles to the ‘we stopped the war’ modern army.
Furnished with the latest high tech that even GRU probably don’t have, you can imagine Elon Musk getting involved with an airlift of Starlink to every Ukrainian for the livestream shan’t be stopped as the sovereignty of the internet will not be negotiated away and there will be no Putin veto on our Reddit, and also because Putin should have taken that Discord call Musk offered.
While tanks roll on the ground, memes on the internat will intensify, raising that very 21st century question: can there really be war in our time?
You’d think not, when the internet cares to say no anyway. Not in Europe and not when it is so clear cut in a straight out classic fight of freedom against dictata.
“I’m not in favor of wars of conquest,” an actual real Russian member of the public said. So the world is with Ukraine, well except Israel who wouldn’t sell them Iron Dome.
Even China is probably not with Russia. At worst, they’ll ignore anything is happening unless Germany orders them to pull strings, or no European market.
Because if this is the attention now, you can imagine there will be people in all squares of all cities demanding an end if anything happens with the information war unwinnable in this case except by the people of course.
So keep on meme-ing for peace until both donkeys agree the troops are leaving. An exercise that is clearly costing Putin and Russia not in just money, but in global reputation as he is now the butt of jokes.